I feel like I always find myself wanting to write posts about self love. It’s something that is always in the back, front, and center of my mind- mostly because of how much it affects my life and actions. Still, I find it hard to get my thoughts out or to get my words to flow just the way I want them to. Today, I’m taking that plunge.
This past year has been difficult in the strangest way for me. I’ve relocated to a new state, started grad school, and can say with a huge relief that I’m 80% complete in the steps needed to become a certified teacher in the state of Texas. When I started the process in November of 2019, part of me was doubtful that I’d fulfill all these hefty goals aligned with my program. Also, despite applying, I truly wasn’t sure if I would even begin or have the discipline to start and get through it. I guess subconsciously, I was wishing on a star for another job before I’d need to move the following July, or that some mysterious circumstance would ultimately keep me in Chicago. Instead, I experienced a few things that made it more apparent that despite my family and friends being there, it was the last place I needed to be. With all this in mind, I think I was forced to re-think and redefine what I thought self-love was. Here are some things that I discovered.
Letting Go
I guess for most this would be the obvious form of self-love, but truthfully, until maybe two years ago, I hadn’t realized just how much confidence could affect certain aspects of my life. Confidence isn’t just how other people see me, it’s how I see myself. In some aspects, I can see the ways my self-esteem has increased. Last year, as I prepared for my move, I was intentional about what I would leave behind in Illinois and what I wanted to grow as I transitioned to Texas. Way too often before, I would let bad situations or unhealthy relationships affect how I saw myself- I allowed it to feel like a stain on who I was as a person, or even my character. I’d replay things out in my mind, or find myself ruminating on what happened and how I should’ve handled it. If I was feeling good about myself, my mind would bring up what happened in 2017 with someone I was talking to, or some other socially awkward situation I’d encountered in the past. Now, I’m more or less liable to just say “fuck it” and keep it moving. It’s extremely important for me to not allow myself to get “stuck” both figuratively and literally in situations and mindsets. If there’s a problem, then there’s also a solution.
Losing Self-Criticism
I’ve always been observant of surroundings, mannerisms, people, anything really! It’s one of the things I do love about myself and have always felt that it’s helped me tremendously in writing. Still, I also notice this trait being reflected in other areas of my personality. It wasn’t until recently that I really peeped the anxiety I would experience prior to posting on social media. It’d take me days to “edit” a pic to my liking, and I had a nasty ritual of taking photos and going back to them to make sure that they still looked “pretty”- a terrible way to handle the constant shift in perception I had of myself. Quite simply, what I was doing was not a reflection of self-love. Even outside of photos, my idea of chasing perfectionism in anything creative or having to do with my outward appearance held me back from even completing things because I felt they weren’t good enough. Now, I know that I have to balance putting out things I’m confident in without over-analyzing. Social media can be tough – we see so much everyday and it all seems perfect. It’s necessary to remind ourselves how unrealistic that is and why taking a hiatus can be a great way tor reset and help lessen the load on our mental.
The Eloise 