The Eloise

Flow

Just letting it all out.

The biggest disservice I did to myself was pretending to care when I didn’t. The only problem is deciphering the times when you actually should, and the times when it’s best to just let go. And although it would be cool to say that I don’t care – the true, unfortunate thing is that I do. Terribly.

There are a few definitions of the word space, but the one that resonated with me the most when I looked it up on Google just now was this one:

the dimensions of height, depth, and width within which all things exist and move

Space has always held value to me. It helps to curb the emotions that swiftly and unapologetically force their way to the surface. Unfortunately for me though, it’s made existing harder. The emotions that I almost always end up on the bad side of, or can’t seem to explain, manifest into late texts and cancelled plans. Cancellations lead to misinterpreted feelings; hatred maybe. Friends don’t reply and I question if I’ll ever see them again. Will they view me as the worst human being on the planet, or just cease to think of me at all? Both are reasonable responses. The truth is that more than anything, I long to be “correct”. Socially free. The person who does the right things and gets invited places – a genuine presence. But apprehension and anxiety only make that goal seem further away than what it truly needs to be.

Even though it’s all part of the human experience, I hate that it affects me. Something so common shouldn’t piss me off so much but I guess the only comfort is that it happens at the pivotal stages, whether you realize it or not. Stages that are synonymous with change and the universe’s way of nudging you and pushing you forward. So many things that I want, but have ultimately been afraid of. The older I get, the more I realize how much of a crutch it’s been and the way it’s aided in my distorted view of myself.

Life must change, so even if no one reads this… I’m going to post. imperfections in abundance and incohesive thoughts aside. It has to flow.

October 29, 2025

#life, #love, #mental health, healing, writing
Random Thoughts on New Years Day
1. Apparently, you aren’t supposed to cry on the first day of the new year because it will bring sadness of the year to come. Unfortunately for me, I shed exactly one tear this morning. Wiped it away fast as fuck though.
2. I miss SZA’s ’Ctrl’ era way more than I should. At the time, it really was groundbreaking in levels of vulnerability that doesn’t get championed enough – especially when it comes to black girls and women.
3. Today I started reading the Talented Mr. Ripley. I hate to say, but I have to credit some of my interest to Saltburn. Not because Saltburn was good, but because The Talented Mr. Ripley is obviously better.
4. Dallas is really beautiful. Gorgeous even. When I drive around the city at night I feel like I’m in Need4Speed – still, nothing will ever compare to driving down Lake Shore Drive.
February 1, 2024
Crying.

The urge to allow myself to just flow.

Being at peace with who I am has been something I’ve struggled with since before I can remember. There was one point where I was loud, obnoxious even, and that was when I was in the second grade. Throughout the years though, something happened and the carefree child that I was died. And even though that sounds dramatic, it can really be traced back to common life shit that I had no control over; like puberty, or moving to a new school at a weird time. Experiences that we’ve all probably encountered, but have a strange way of shaping us into who we are. While some have been lucky enough to just be strong and confident in who they are since forever; people like me have to work and endure what may seem like an endless journey just to get back to our true selves. It’s the reason why I’m writing this now. At one point, I wanted to be a journalist, before my grandma so delicately told me it was for rich girls-but I digress. Still, if I can’t write for Rolling Stone, then the least I can do is write on this damn blog every once in a while in hopes of feeling better about myself.

Reasons I Cry

Something that I’ve been focusing on has been giving myself the space to feel all the feelings that I covered up or blocked out along the years. The embarrassing moments where I should have cried or cursed someone out, or more recently, the times where I didn’t recognize how depressed I actually was and pushed through. I think about why I held back and realized that in some instances it had so much to do with being afraid to be myself. Some don’t realize that it takes so much confidence to just “be”. The same way it takes being secure enough to just letting things flow. Tears included.

In other instances, it was just my father’s voice telling me that crying doesn’t solve anything that would ricochet off the back of my mind. When I was younger, I didn’t realize how logical I was, so my dad telling me that crying could never solve a problem made sense. Crying couldn’t immediately put an end to whatever had me distraught, and it wouldn’t take away how hurt I might’ve been – so why do it? I was too young to realize how crying isn’t meant to solve an issue, rather act as an aid, or release so that I could fully begin to solve something. Crying is much like the eye of the storm. A trickster; both repulsive and cathartic.

Work left me feeling overwhelmed and confused today; informal observations, pointless feedback, and more pointless meetings (missing the past two may have put a target on my back). Still, immediately my mind went to two things: I needed to go to the gym, and I needed to cry. It was such a natural thought that I almost missed it. Years ago, I would’ve struggled to find a remedy for my strange combination of emotions – but today, I knew. Some moments it is best to remain calm, and others, require us to boil over. Sweat is freeing. Yelling is necessary. Sex is necessary. Stillness is necessary. Tears are essential. When riding the waves of life and emotion – we owe this much to ourselves.

End.

August 23, 2023
Passion Pit

Summer ’23 – Depression – Anxiety – June

Sitting awkwardly in the car eating carne asada fries, racking my mind for conversation starters. Wanting to be genuine, relatable even – dodging the obstacle course of small talk. Craving and cultivating deep conversations but tip-toeing on a frozen lake. The surface is thick but the weight of being yourself and understanding boundaries is all too near.

July 26, 2023
Feeling sad for a multitude of reasons; what’s new

I just woke up from a long nap after traveling most of the day from Alabama to Dallas. The flight was unnecessarily long due to the fact that I didn’t fly nonstop. Huntsville to D.C. , and D.C. all the way back to Dallas – my final destination. Traveling in general always makes me feel strange – maybe because I don’t do it much or just my anxiety towards flying. Though, I did much better today than I had in a long time and even found myself enjoying some parts (taking videos out the window, not shying away from the scenery when we prepare to land).

I had an argument with my younger brother, and it added to the stress and uncomfortable feelings that I’ve been harboring towards my family. I should’ve figured it would happen though – I was a little upset that he and I would be visiting dad at the same time when I’d first found out, but what really could I do? Nothing. I only wish that I’d gotten a picture of my dad and I and that the argument hadn’t put a damper on the latter part of the trip. I hadn’t seen my dad in over a year prior to my trip this week, and I got really sad when he expressed that he was lonely in Alabama. I don’t know why I would have expected him not to be- maybe its the superhuman quality that kids naturally attribute to parents even though we know its not true. It hurt me to hear him say that.

I got into it with someone that I wish liked me as much as I liked them. Which added to harsh and low feelings about myself and how unpleasant I must be to be around. I know I spend too much time wishing to be a perfect person, which is unachievable in any circumstance – even outside of myself but still – I see myself making mistakes that I know will lead to alienation but I do it anyway. Looking in on myself but unable to change directions.

March 17, 2022

#mental health, #thoughts
Oh, Covid.

Spending the past week trying to get over Covid wasn’t my ideal way of starting off 2022, but it also confirmed a lot of things for me. The first thing being that, somehow, my dreams could actually get weirder. The second, was the terrible realization that this virus probably isn’t going to go away anytime soon. The third was the fact that I’d somehow stopped listening to music in the past year.

I’m sure that most people are sick of words like “pandemic”, “omicron/omarion”, “sickness” and “disease” so I’ll skip over the first two points that I stated in the previous paragraph. (For someone who obsesses over horror films, I’d had some pretty scary dreams while fighting off night sweats and uncomfortable chills and fevers.) But now, my journey is coming to an end. I still have three more days left in quarantine, and I’m really just wanting to listen to some good music, and maybe even indulge in an edible that I’d otherwise have no business consuming on a school night. Still though, I feel empty and like my mind is being pulled in about 1000 different directions. I could sit around all day and be a productive teacher: think of systems for my students (that I’m sure are eagerly awaiting my return) or fantasize about being some famous dj/writer/renaissance woman. I’ll settle on being a writer (for now) because it may be the only thing I’m semi-good at. Which brings me back to the why I’m here and writing this: I need a record of my thoughts, and I’m hoping that maybe if I can somehow become consistent enough, it can branch into something more.

I know I’m capable of greatness, and I know I have ideas that could be big. The thing is, I struggle with how to put it all together and not become discouraged throughout the process. So, this is attempt #1948 at branching into something that actually brings me joy. I don’t want to worry about the analytics, and fact that most people probably don’t read blogs anymore. I simply just plan to “do” and talk about the things that I give a damn about outside of work. If you’re rocking with me, just know that I fuck with you…heavily, and if you don’t, then…why the fuck are you here?

Before I end this post, can someone suggest some good music for me? Drop a comment or something please.

Peace.

January 12, 2022

#blogging, #covid, #music, #thoughts
My Addictions
It happens when I’m stressed, or find myself in a rut about the way things are going. I’ve done my best to limit myself but it seems that when it comes to this type of thing that I just can’t stay away. Could it be worse? Yes. I could run into the arms of yet another unreliable male figure to comfort me; basing my entire self worth and confidence on my desirability from said man – but I don’t (thank God for growth). Still, my habits and patterns are there.. and obvious.

My flaw is that I get lost on Instagram. Sometimes, I’m stuck there for hours and it’s crazy because the reality is that I find Instagram incredibly boring. Why would I choose to spend time on such a dull app when Tik Tok is literally right…there. Who knows? But that’s where I’m at in life. Aesthetically pleasing infographics, “satisfying” videos, and hair tutotrials that I’ve interacted with too much infultrate my explore page. And on top of that I’ve unlocked an unhealthy addiction to tea blogs because it’s incredibly important to know every single detail about the love lives of my favorite Instagram models.

Everything on that hell app just looks so good and so unlike the reality of many (or maybe just mine) of our lives. My obsession lately, is beauty products: specifically, those that cater to the effortless “no makeup-makeup look” i.e. skin tints, lip glosses, and the perfect pair of eyelashes to tie it all together. My aim is to look put together in the most simple way possible because my life has become so damn hectic. Lately, I’ve been stalking this specific black-owned beauty brand and recently took the plunge in trying some of their products. Upon browsing their Instagram page, it took me .25 seconds to realize that I just love everything about it. The layout, the colors, the fonts they use. Everything is PERFECT.

Ami Colĕ

I took the plunge and decided to order their crew kit which includes a skin tint, highlighter, lip oil, and insanely trendy pouch to carry it all in. All for $60. At first, I worried if I ordered the wrong shade but figured if need be, I could just re-order a new one separately and use the current one as a summer color. To my luck, the Medium 1 shade worked out fine. Hands down though, my favorite thing was the light-catching highlighter. I’ve wondered over and over how to get the Instagram girl-golden-hour glow, and I actually think I’ve found it. Since the highlighter is translucent, it’s palatable for practically all shades but for those of us blessed with melanin it pops even more – echoing the brands alignment to being for those who are melanin-rich. Even the lip oil didn’t disappoint. When I think of oil, I have a habit of perceiving them to be thin enough to sit on top of a lipstick or bolder color but this lip oil can stand alone. It’s thick, it’s moisturizing, and looks great on top of any nude color to give you some extra shine. I don’t normally have high expectations for skin tints but this product swayed me, an overall good end of the summer cop.
September 8, 2021

#amicole, #beauty, #makeup, #reviews, #skin
In My Mind.

It is 10:42 pm on the Friday before the Fourth of July. My body is tired from AM workouts and being on my feet all day. Despite my physical exhaustion, my mind still finds a way to drift into dark waters. First, I start by overanalyzing the interactions I’ve had throughout my day, and even the night before. The people who stared at me too long while I charged their debit cards, the “normal” interaction I had at the gym when a woman politely told me that that particular stair master wasn’t working, brief exchanges on social media – all of it. Most of them I’m able to let go of – but some stick. Preening over my past interactions is something that I’ve pinpointed and in some ways have gotten better about – but I’ve noticed that while I have extended periods of off time, it is something that I easily slip into.

The older I get, the more aware I become of the affects of anxiety and how it can transform over time. Specifically, there are things that I’ve done, thought patterns that I’ve had, coping mechanisms that I run to that are the results of being anxious that I didn’t even realize. Times when I’d find myself plucking small pieces of hair from my scalp, overanalyzing, and ruminating over past situations for hours on end: anxiety – (maybe with a sprinkle of depression thrown in there too.)

I’m also aware of how certain situations and interactions from my past have gotten me to the point that I question myself for everything – did I do something wrong, or do I have some flaw that makes me repulsive without my knowing. Even worse, I know that I can’t fixate on trivial interactions. People are tough, and social interactions can be a maze – especially with someone like me. It’s something that I didn’t start taking seriously until a few years ago, but at a few months shy of 30 I still haven’t figured out how some people are so damn good at being social. Honestly, imagine having to talk and interact with people all day without feeling tired – to me, it’s unfathomable. I don’t even know if I’d like to be that person if I could. Another sad realization is that these social interactions, while often trivial, actually mean so much and can affect where you go or end up. As an extreme introvert (without the aid of alcohol or marijuana)

Everything I’m not, made me everything I am.
Kanye West

Truthfully, I’m not sure where I’m trying to go or what I’m trying to convey with this post entirely, but I do think of that Kanye quote a lot more often than I used to. It’s a reminder to me that I don’t have to try and be all of “the things” – a pattern that I’ve found myself caught up in, especially when trying to make friends or dating. It tells me that even though the mistakes I make are incredibly embarrassing, they have helped mold me into the beautiful mess that is Charmeise today. I’m trying my best to be positive about things but I also know that there are steps I have to take outside of that, the first being trying to find a therapist. I’ll use this blog as a way to keep track of the steps and progress when it comes to everything, hopefully this will motivate me to write a lot more.

July 25, 2021

#kanyewest, #mental health, #self-esteem, #thoughts
Juneteenth
June 22, 2021
Are We Still Talking About Self-love?

I feel like I always find myself wanting to write posts about self love. It’s something that is always in the back, front, and center of my mind- mostly because of how much it affects my life and actions. Still, I find it hard to get my thoughts out or to get my words to flow just the way I want them to. Today, I’m taking that plunge.

This past year has been difficult in the strangest way for me. I’ve relocated to a new state, started grad school, and can say with a huge relief that I’m 80% complete in the steps needed to become a certified teacher in the state of Texas. When I started the process in November of 2019, part of me was doubtful that I’d fulfill all these hefty goals aligned with my program. Also, despite applying, I truly wasn’t sure if I would even begin or have the discipline to start and get through it. I guess subconsciously, I was wishing on a star for another job before I’d need to move the following July, or that some mysterious circumstance would ultimately keep me in Chicago. Instead, I experienced a few things that made it more apparent that despite my family and friends being there, it was the last place I needed to be. With all this in mind, I think I was forced to re-think and redefine what I thought self-love was. Here are some things that I discovered.

Letting Go

I guess for most this would be the obvious form of self-love, but truthfully, until maybe two years ago, I hadn’t realized just how much confidence could affect certain aspects of my life. Confidence isn’t just how other people see me, it’s how I see myself. In some aspects, I can see the ways my self-esteem has increased. Last year, as I prepared for my move, I was intentional about what I would leave behind in Illinois and what I wanted to grow as I transitioned to Texas. Way too often before, I would let bad situations or unhealthy relationships affect how I saw myself- I allowed it to feel like a stain on who I was as a person, or even my character. I’d replay things out in my mind, or find myself ruminating on what happened and how I should’ve handled it. If I was feeling good about myself, my mind would bring up what happened in 2017 with someone I was talking to, or some other socially awkward situation I’d encountered in the past. Now, I’m more or less liable to just say “fuck it” and keep it moving. It’s extremely important for me to not allow myself to get “stuck” both figuratively and literally in situations and mindsets. If there’s a problem, then there’s also a solution.

Losing Self-Criticism

I’ve always been observant of surroundings, mannerisms, people, anything really! It’s one of the things I do love about myself and have always felt that it’s helped me tremendously in writing. Still, I also notice this trait being reflected in other areas of my personality. It wasn’t until recently that I really peeped the anxiety I would experience prior to posting on social media. It’d take me days to “edit” a pic to my liking, and I had a nasty ritual of taking photos and going back to them to make sure that they still looked “pretty”- a terrible way to handle the constant shift in perception I had of myself. Quite simply, what I was doing was not a reflection of self-love. Even outside of photos, my idea of chasing perfectionism in anything creative or having to do with my outward appearance held me back from even completing things because I felt they weren’t good enough. Now, I know that I have to balance putting out things I’m confident in without over-analyzing. Social media can be tough – we see so much everyday and it all seems perfect. It’s necessary to remind ourselves how unrealistic that is and why taking a hiatus can be a great way tor reset and help lessen the load on our mental.

May 17, 2021

#mental health, #self-love