It is 10:42 pm on the Friday before the Fourth of July. My body is tired from AM workouts and being on my feet all day. Despite my physical exhaustion, my mind still finds a way to drift into dark waters. First, I start by overanalyzing the interactions I’ve had throughout my day, and even the night before. The people who stared at me too long while I charged their debit cards, the “normal” interaction I had at the gym when a woman politely told me that that particular stair master wasn’t working, brief exchanges on social media – all of it. Most of them I’m able to let go of – but some stick. Preening over my past interactions is something that I’ve pinpointed and in some ways have gotten better about – but I’ve noticed that while I have extended periods of off time, it is something that I easily slip into.
The older I get, the more aware I become of the affects of anxiety and how it can transform over time. Specifically, there are things that I’ve done, thought patterns that I’ve had, coping mechanisms that I run to that are the results of being anxious that I didn’t even realize. Times when I’d find myself plucking small pieces of hair from my scalp, overanalyzing, and ruminating over past situations for hours on end: anxiety – (maybe with a sprinkle of depression thrown in there too.)
I’m also aware of how certain situations and interactions from my past have gotten me to the point that I question myself for everything – did I do something wrong, or do I have some flaw that makes me repulsive without my knowing. Even worse, I know that I can’t fixate on trivial interactions. People are tough, and social interactions can be a maze – especially with someone like me. It’s something that I didn’t start taking seriously until a few years ago, but at a few months shy of 30 I still haven’t figured out how some people are so damn good at being social. Honestly, imagine having to talk and interact with people all day without feeling tired – to me, it’s unfathomable. I don’t even know if I’d like to be that person if I could. Another sad realization is that these social interactions, while often trivial, actually mean so much and can affect where you go or end up. As an extreme introvert (without the aid of alcohol or marijuana)
Everything I’m not, made me everything I am.
Kanye West
Truthfully, I’m not sure where I’m trying to go or what I’m trying to convey with this post entirely, but I do think of that Kanye quote a lot more often than I used to. It’s a reminder to me that I don’t have to try and be all of “the things” – a pattern that I’ve found myself caught up in, especially when trying to make friends or dating. It tells me that even though the mistakes I make are incredibly embarrassing, they have helped mold me into the beautiful mess that is Charmeise today. I’m trying my best to be positive about things but I also know that there are steps I have to take outside of that, the first being trying to find a therapist. I’ll use this blog as a way to keep track of the steps and progress when it comes to everything, hopefully this will motivate me to write a lot more.
The Eloise 