The Eloise

The urge to allow myself to just flow.

Being at peace with who I am has been something I’ve struggled with since before I can remember. There was one point where I was loud, obnoxious even, and that was when I was in the second grade. Throughout the years though, something happened and the carefree child that I was died. And even though that sounds dramatic, it can really be traced back to common life shit that I had no control over; like puberty, or moving to a new school at a weird time. Experiences that we’ve all probably encountered, but have a strange way of shaping us into who we are. While some have been lucky enough to just be strong and confident in who they are since forever; people like me have to work and endure what may seem like an endless journey just to get back to our true selves. It’s the reason why I’m writing this now. At one point, I wanted to be a journalist, before my grandma so delicately told me it was for rich girls-but I digress. Still, if I can’t write for Rolling Stone, then the least I can do is write on this damn blog every once in a while in hopes of feeling better about myself.

Reasons I Cry

Something that I’ve been focusing on has been giving myself the space to feel all the feelings that I covered up or blocked out along the years. The embarrassing moments where I should have cried or cursed someone out, or more recently, the times where I didn’t recognize how depressed I actually was and pushed through. I think about why I held back and realized that in some instances it had so much to do with being afraid to be myself. Some don’t realize that it takes so much confidence to just “be”. The same way it takes being secure enough to just letting things flow. Tears included.

In other instances, it was just my father’s voice telling me that crying doesn’t solve anything that would ricochet off the back of my mind. When I was younger, I didn’t realize how logical I was, so my dad telling me that crying could never solve a problem made sense. Crying couldn’t immediately put an end to whatever had me distraught, and it wouldn’t take away how hurt I might’ve been – so why do it? I was too young to realize how crying isn’t meant to solve an issue, rather act as an aid, or release so that I could fully begin to solve something. Crying is much like the eye of the storm. A trickster; both repulsive and cathartic.

Work left me feeling overwhelmed and confused today; informal observations, pointless feedback, and more pointless meetings (missing the past two may have put a target on my back). Still, immediately my mind went to two things: I needed to go to the gym, and I needed to cry. It was such a natural thought that I almost missed it. Years ago, I would’ve struggled to find a remedy for my strange combination of emotions – but today, I knew. Some moments it is best to remain calm, and others, require us to boil over. Sweat is freeing. Yelling is necessary. Sex is necessary. Stillness is necessary. Tears are essential. When riding the waves of life and emotion – we owe this much to ourselves.

End.