The Eloise

I just woke up from a long nap after traveling most of the day from Alabama to Dallas. The flight was unnecessarily long due to the fact that I didn’t fly nonstop. Huntsville to D.C. , and D.C. all the way back to Dallas – my final destination. Traveling in general always makes me feel strange – maybe because I don’t do it much or just my anxiety towards flying. Though, I did much better today than I had in a long time and even found myself enjoying some parts (taking videos out the window, not shying away from the scenery when we prepare to land).

I had an argument with my younger brother, and it added to the stress and uncomfortable feelings that I’ve been harboring towards my family. I should’ve figured it would happen though – I was a little upset that he and I would be visiting dad at the same time when I’d first found out, but what really could I do? Nothing. I only wish that I’d gotten a picture of my dad and I and that the argument hadn’t put a damper on the latter part of the trip. I hadn’t seen my dad in over a year prior to my trip this week, and I got really sad when he expressed that he was lonely in Alabama. I don’t know why I would have expected him not to be- maybe its the superhuman quality that kids naturally attribute to parents even though we know its not true. It hurt me to hear him say that.

I got into it with someone that I wish liked me as much as I liked them. Which added to harsh and low feelings about myself and how unpleasant I must be to be around. I know I spend too much time wishing to be a perfect person, which is unachievable in any circumstance – even outside of myself but still – I see myself making mistakes that I know will lead to alienation but I do it anyway. Looking in on myself but unable to change directions.